


TG: hey

by Vulparicon (vulparicon)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Humanstuck, M/M, Pesterlog
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-17
Updated: 2019-01-17
Packaged: 2019-10-11 17:59:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17451734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vulparicon/pseuds/Vulparicon
Summary: a hint of story drowning in a lot of meaningless babble, stylized as one long pesterlog.  contains mentions of robin william's least lucrative era of acting.





	TG: hey

TG: hey  
TG: so  
TG: karkat  
TG: karkles  
CG: WHAT  
TG: karkalicious  
TG: oh hey karkat  
CG: DAVE I SWEAR ON MY FUCKING EXPANSIVE COLLECTION OF LITERATURE, IF YOU EVER CALL ME BY THAT NAME AGAIN I'LL FUCKING DISEMBOWEL YOU WITH A TWISTED FABRIC SUSPENSION WIRE.  
TG: k got it wont call you karkat anymore karcandy  
CG: FUCK YOU, AND THE CACTUSFUCKING SHITHORSE YOU RODE IN ON. YOU KNOW WHAT I FUCKING MEANT.  
CG: WAS THERE A REASON YOU DECIDED TO INFLICT YOUR INCESSANT BABBLE ON ME OR IS THIS WHOLE CONVERSATION GOING NOWHERE.  
CG: LIKE YOUR CAREER FUTURE.  
CG: YOU SAID YOU WERE LOOKING FOR A JOB EARLIER WHY THE NOOKBLASTING FUCK ARE YOU MESSAGING ME.  
TG: oh nice one  
TG: taking a stab at my sensitive underbelly of emotional turmoil and corporate-induced lassitude  
TG: youre hilarious karkat  
TG: one could even say that youre...  
TG: a riot  
CG: HEY! FUCK YOU!  
CG: IF YOU'RE TRYING TO SHAME ME BY BRINGING UP THE INCIDENT THEN I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW YOU'RE SQUAWKING UP THE WRONG FOLIAGE SHOOT WITH THAT UNREPENTANT ASS TRUMPET SPEWERY. I WAS NOT IN THE LEAST BIT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE EVENTS OF THAT TERRIBLE EVENING. THAT SHEEPFUCKER GOT WHAT WAS COMING TO HER AND I SEEM TO REMEMBER THAT WE BOTH AGREED IT WAS ALL EGBERT'S FAULT *AND* THAT WE WOULD NEVER SPEAK OF IT AGAIN.  
TG: wouldnt have brought it up if it werent relevant dude i was just as caught up in that clusterfuck as you  
TG: or am now  
TG: as in present tense  
TG: the dark deeds of our past come back to haunt us in the form of one blue bedazzled bellicose bitch  
TG: all "i know what you did last summer" up in this balmy ass high school  
TG: or college??  
TG: depressed intermediary period of non existence between high school and college.  
TG: even now the evil seed of what youve done germinates within you  
TG: or what john's done  
CG: "EVEN NOW THE EVIL SEED OF WHAT JOHN'S DONE GERMINATES WITHIN YOU"?  
CG: CONGRATULATIONS DIPFUCK. WHEN'S THE BABY DUE?  
TG: thanks for that rose just what i wanted to think about  
TG: egberts splooge  
CG: I KNEW IT WAS WHAT YOU WANTED BEFORE YOU EVEN KNEW IT EXISTED. I WILL NOW STROKE THIS CAT AND HAVE A SILENT HAUGHTY CHORTLE INTO MY LAPTOP SCREEN AS I GET MY ROCKS OFF TYPING A SEVENTY PAGE ESSAY PSYCHOANALYZING SIGMUND FRUED HIMSELF.  
CG: HOW WAS THAT?  
TG: im speechless  
CG: A FUCKING MIRACLE.  
TG: im hella tempted to ask rose if she's petting a cat right now because that description was so fucking spot on  
TG: she is and then she told me to stop bugging her so that means shes totally adding to her borderline odyssean lovecraft x poe fanfic  
CG: HOLY FUCK. SHE TOLD YOU WHAT THAT SAGA SHE'S BEEN WRITING WAS ABOUT? I'VE BEEN BEGGING FOR ANY SHREDDED SCRAPS OF INFORMATION ABOUT THAT THING I CAN GET LIKE AN EMACIATED BARK BEAST.  
TG: told is a strong word  
TG: more like  
CG: OH MY GOD YOU WENT THROUGH HER SHIT.  
TG: yeah went through her shit is definitely a word arrangement that could be used to describe the thing that happened  
TG: cracked open the door and tiptoed around like i was snatching the fucking declaration of independence in an egbertian cinematic masterpiece  
TG: i would have never gotten into her laptop if rose who we all know is the picture of brainless femininity hadnt had her password be the name of her crush bracketed on both sides by six sparkling heart emojis  
TG: aka the password was actually a poem she wrote in fucking latin  
TG: the poem was in her desk drawer  
TG: its either about vampires or fellatio  
TG: theres a lot of sucking going on thats all im getting  
TG: lac filio ad nauseam am i right  
CG: LAC FILIO MEO GALLUS.  
TG: haha do you know that shit off the top of your head??  
CG: YES.  
TG: how many latin majors have you fucked karkat  
CG: EAT SHIT.  
TG: kinky  
CG: NOT FOLLOWING THAT PISSANT LINE OF THOUGHT EVEN IF I WERE HELD AT FUCKING GUNPOINT.  
TG: haha piss  
CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP, DAVE. WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT YOUR INCOMPETENCE RIGHT NOW, WE'RE TALKING ABOUT YOUR LACK OF SELF PRESERVATION.  
CG: THOUGH THATS ITS OWN TYPE OF INCOMPETENCE.  
CG: I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU WENT THROUGH ROSE LALONDE'S DRAWERS.  
CG: THOUGH I FEEL LIKE I SHOULDN'T BE SURPRISED BY THIS. BY YOUR ENTIRE AND TOTAL LACK OF UNDERSTANDING ON THE BASIC FUCKING CONCEPT OF PERSONAL SPACE. EVEN I MYSELF HAVE SUFFERED AT THE HANDS OF THE SOCIAL MALITY THAT IS YOU COMPLETELY MISUSING WHATEVER BRAINCELLS YOU HAVE LEFT. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.  
TG: wait what was this convo even about originally  
CG: FUCK ME IF I KNOW.  
TG: ...  
CG: FUCK IF I KNOW, IS WHAT I MEANT.  
CG: FUCK YOU.  
TG: not gonna make the obvious comment  
CG: GO PUT YOUR BULGE IN A BEARTRAP AND FUCK A GOOSE.  
CG: YOU WERE IMPLYING SOMETHING WAS GOING ON RELATED TO THE INCIDENT.  
TG: not a single person calls it that other than you dude  
CG: SEE AGAIN: THE BEARTRAP.  
CG: GET TO THE FUCKING POINT DAVE.  
TG: alright so  
TG: youve had to have heard rezi blabbering about her new gf right  
CG: I WOULD HAVE TO HAVE BEEN DEAF TO HAVE NOT HEARD.  
CG: WAIT. DIDN'T YOU SAY SOMETHING ABOUT THAT BLUE-HAIRED HARPY BEFORE WE DIVULGED INTO TODDLER SQUABBLING?  
CG: PLEASE GOD DON'T TELL ME THAT SHE'S THE NEW GIRLFRIEND THAT TEREZI HAS BEEN BUYING REPTILES WITH.  
TG: i prefer to go by dave  
CG: FUCK OFF.  
TG: but yeah attorney maroonshine and captain mindfuck are buying leopard geckos with matching names like they're fucking promise rings.  
CG: YOU CAN GARBLE THEIR ROLEPLAY NAMES UP AND DENY IT ALL YOU WANT, BUT EVERYONE KNOWS YOU USED TO LARP WITH HER.  
TG: yeah, not denying that  
TG: me and rez rp'd all the time  
TG: ooh attorney redglare ive been a very bad boy i need you to lock me up  
TG: put me in handcuffs ooh  
CG: IF I COULD REACH THROUGH MY COMPUTER SCREEN, WRAP MY HANDS AROUND YOUR NECK, AND THROTTLE YOU UNTIL ALL THE IDIOCY DRIBBLED OUT OF YOUR EAR CANALS AND ONTO THE FUCKING FLOOR WITH ONE HUNDRED PERCENT CERTAINTY THAT IT WOULDN'T JUST MAKE YOU INTO EVEN MORE OF AN UNBEARABLE IMBECILE, THEN I ABSOLUTELY WOULD.  
CG: MAYBE THE IDIOCY IS ANOTHER BEING ENTIRELY, AND WHEN IT HAS SLITHERED OUT AND FROM WHATEVER ORIFACE YOU CHOOSE IT WILL THEN, BECAUSE I'VE DESTURBED IT FROM IT'S NEST, CRAWL UP MY NOSE AND FUCKING CONSUME MY BRAIN LIKE IT'S ONE OF DAD EGBERT'S CAKES AT A PTA MEETING.  
TG: does the personification of idiocy that youre describing look like flubber because that's all i can fucking picture right now  
CG: THAT WOULD EXPLAIN SEVERAL THINGS ABOUT THAT MOVIE, ACTUALLY.  
TG: lets wrest the inside-out style control board away from that sexy jello flubber man for a hot second so i can tell you what they named their lizards  
CG: ALRIGHT, FUCK, WHAT'D THEY NAME THEIR MATRIMONY LIZARDS.  
CG: WAIT.  
CG: NO, GO BACK. WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT FLUBBER BEING SEXY.  
TG: i plead the fifth  
CG: I'M TELLING ROSE.  
TG: who do you think i watched it with  
TG: rose doesnt think flubber is a sex god but she definitely wants to at least middle school date and hold hands awkwardly with the floating lady robot  
CG: READING THE PHRASE "FLUBBER IS A SEX GOD" HAS NUMBED ME TO WHATEVER COULD POSSIBLY BE SO SHOCKING ABOUT THE NAMES OF TEREZI'S NEW GECKOS.  
CG: WE MIGHT AS WELL END THIS CONVERSATION NOW BECAUSE NOTHING CAN SURPRISE ME.  
TG: no dude this isn't like the time she named her python slither-rod the champion of vore  
TG: this is dead serious  
TG: as dead as the mice in slither-rod's tank  
CG: FUCK. ARE THEY SERIOUSLY MARRIAGE LIZARDS? I THOUGHT YOU WERE FUCKING WITH ME.  
TG: no karkles this shit isnt hyperbolic in the least  
TG: tz and bitchka named them after each other's characters in some mmo they play  
CG: OH FUCK.  
TG: oh fuck is right  
TG: pyrope is gonna be bringing her home to show the parents any day now  
TG: and we are the parents  
TG: we have a code red crisis on our fucking hands here karkat  
TG: if that chick finds out where we live shes going to start old shit up again  
CG: DO YOU THINK TEREZI WILL BE ABLE TO KEEP HER GIRLFRIEND ON A FUCKING LEASH?  
TG: i thought leashes were nepetas thing  
CG: I DONT WANT TO KNOW THAT ABOUT MY OWN TWIN.  
CG: HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF I HAD DATED ROSE AND THEN I TOLD YOU SHE LIKED TENTACLE SHIT.  
TG: id tell you that thats common knowledge bro everyone knows that shit at a glance  
TG: like nepetas petplay thing  
TG: yall are identical twins does that mean you get the same kinks  
CG: YOU'RE TWINS WITH ROSE TOO, ARE YOU SAYING YOU HAVE A TENTACLE THING?  
TG: it's different because were fraternal karkat try and keep up  
CG: AND IF YOU'RE IMPLYING KINKS ARE GENETIC THEN WHO DOES ROSE GET HERS FROM?  
TG: alright so that ranks no.1 on the list of things we are not contemplating  
TG: does nepeta still wear that cat ear beanie every day  
CG: SHE'S WORN IT EVERY DAY SINCE SIXTH GRADE. I CAN'T IMAGINE HER NOT WEARING IT.  
CG: BUT I HAVEN'T SEEN HER RECENTLY SO FUCK IF I KNOW. MAYBE SHE HATES CATS NOW. MAYBE SHE BURNED ALL HER WARRIORS BOOKS AND RENOUNCED HER LOVE OF SANDSTORM. MAYBE SHE HAS A CRUSH ON SCOURGE AGAIN, AND NOT COMP-HET THIS TIME.  
TG: aw karks dont worry im sure she still likes pussy  
CG: THE SET-UP FOR THAT JOKE WAS PAINFULLY OBVIOUS. HOW DID I NOT GET THERE FIRST.  
TG: strider speed and slam poet wit  
TG: but you really havent seen her at all recently??  
CG: NO I HAVEN'T. BUT SHE'S BUSY. I GET IT. SHE GOT AN AWESOME SCHOLARSHIP AND SHE'S GOING TO HER DREAM COLLEGE.  
TG: no more off-brand chinese tablets for catnep  
TG: where she's going its cintiq's all around  
CG: BUT ENOUGH ABOUT *MY* TWIN ISSUES. LET'S DISCUSS YOUR'S.  
TG: ugh god yeah roses engagement  
CG: I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU'RE HUNG UP ABOUT THIS. YOU KNOW KANAYA.  
TG: and i also know rose  
TG: shes not cut out for marriage  
TG: i dont know i dont really know how to describe it okay  
CG: IT SOUNDS LIKE YOURE JUST HUNG UP ON FUCKING NOTHING.  
CG: LIKE A STEREOTYPICAL NERD IN A HIGHSCHOOL MOVIE HANGING BY HIS UNDERPANTS FROM AN INVISIBLE FLAGPOLE.  
TG: even if the flagpole is invisible its still there so in your metaphor im not hung up on nothing  
TG: up your comparison game karkat youre embarrassing me here

**Author's Note:**

> i'm kind of out of homestuck now so idk if this will ever get anything more added to it


End file.
